By: LBM

Preface: LBM has never taken the Greyhound before. LBM is limited in public transport experience; the first, and only, time LBM took the trolley, an angry man came on screaming at people and LBM’s classmate offered up the seat perpendicular to LBM to the screaming man. LBM purchased the ticket thinking that the Greyhound was like the Amtrak. It was not.

04.15.2019 11:50pm

-ID is checked before boarding bus. Conversation is as follows:

LBM: *Hands over ID*

Bus driver (BD): *Looks at ID* “Nihao”

LBM: *blink blink*

BD: “You’re Korean, right?”

LBM: “I’m Vietnamese”

BD: “Oh oh, Vietnamese…Shalom?”

LBM: “It’s chào”

BD: “That’s right, chào”

04.15.2019 11:52pm

-LBM walks onto the bus and realizes that it is not the Amtrak, but more like the Viet Bus…except stinkier, fuller, and no free bánh mì.

-Bus is almost full.

04.15.2019 11:53pm

-LBM learns that there will be no video hangouts during the 7 hour bus ride and pings the bois.

-The seat hunt continues, options dwindling.

-An older, white man offers the seat next to him; LBM panics and accepts.

04.15.2019 11:59pm

-LBM is looking at Facebook market and the man asks what is on the screen. The conversation leads to him sharing that he sells antiques.

-LBM is allowed no more trinkets in the house, and so declines his offer to see his “goods”.

-Man asks if LBM is “Part Oriental”.

04.16.2019 12:05am

-Bus driver makes his takeoff announcements, states that most stops will be quick so that the bus can drop off the correct passengers. Long breaks will not be permitted unless otherwise stated.

-BD uses “smoke break” as the long stop example.

-Front Seat Lady (FSL)  makes noises of distress.

04.16.2019 12:15am

-LBM and man in the next seat talk about Vietnam. He mentions that he is an Old War Vet (OWV), but does not say which war. OWV asks about religion and dialect:

OWV: “So if you live in Utah, are you Mormon?”

LBM: “I was raised Catholic”

OWV: *surprised* “I thought Vietnamese people were Buddhist

LBM: “It’s like a pretty even split, after French colonization, you know”

OWV: “That makes sense. So do you speak/read/write?”

LBM: “I speak fluently, I read okay, and I write less so. But the alphabet is similar to France’s”

OWV: *Does not respond*

04.16.2019 12:25am

-LBM tells the bois she’s going to try to sleep to avoid more Vietnam Questions.

-She puts on comically large headphones to cancel out noise.

04.16.2019 01:03am

-LBM needs to pee, but is stuck in seat.

04.16.2019 02:33am

-LBM wakes up to FSL screaming about needing her cigarette breaks.

-Couple in row in front of LBM have a super bright laptop open; the Laptop Lady (LL) is muttering about “the rules” to her partner, later to be known as the screaming man (SM)

-OWV is upset by the bright light.

OWV: “Your laptop light is shining right into my eyes, can you do something about it?”

LL: *Does not respond, instead shuffles the laptop around.*

OWV: “Nothing has changed, your light is shining through the seat and it’s right in my eyes.

SM: “Alright, listen up you chump ass shit, we’ll do what we want in our row and you can deal

with it.

LL: *Tinkers with laptop some more until, presumably, satisfied; laptop is closed*

04.16.2019 02:41am

-LBM doesn’t know if air circulation is bad or if she can’t breathe.

-Glasses are off; LBM is blind.

-LBM thrashes in the darkness, reaching for what kind of looks like the air valve like in airplanes; it is not, LBM gives up and tries not to panic.

-LBM tries to get closer to window for tiny air flow without touching anything; there is the realization that hand sanitizer was not packed.

-More panic ensues.

-LBM Bad Nap.

04.16.2019 03:29am

-Through headphones, LBM wakes up to FSL screaming at BD from outside the bus.

-Air is heavy with the smell of stale cigarettes.

-LBM can’t breathe. (She’s probably dramatic.)

04.16.2019 03:31am

-LL joins in the screaming with her favorite topic, “the rules.” Also, she needs to stretch her legs.

-LL leaves bus to stretch her legs.

-BD makes it clear this is only a drop off location instead of a full stop, and Front Seat Lady and Laptop Lady force a full stop anyways.

04.16.2019 03:37am

-BD is M A D and tells FSL that he has more respectful passengers to drive.

-LL says she knows “the rules” and they say that she gets a full rest stop every time the bus parks.

-BD responds with “This lady says she knows the rules, and I’ve been driving Greyhound for ten years and I guess I don’t.”

-FSL continues screaming, volume intensifies.

-BD threatens to call the authorities if FSL and LL don’t calm their shit;

-“Now I know the rules.” *insert flex here*

04.16.2019 03:46am

-Bus pulls into a gas station. The originally planned full stop.

BD: *To FSL* “Go on then, get off and smoke your cigarette. Sorry you smoke”

-LBM asks for help to find the air vents.

-Surrounding passengers joke:

Passenger 1: “Wow, you’re asking for so much. Way to make things difficult for everyone.”

Passenger 2: “Yeah, we had to stop the whole bus for you to figure out where the air vents are.”

OWV: “Man, colored people are always causing trouble.”

*crickets chirp*

OWV: “BECAUSE SHE HAS BLUE HAIR.”

LBM: *Hides face in phone; sends help alert*

04.16.2019 4:07am

-LBM stress nap.

04.16.2019 06:52am

-LBM wakes up 8 miles out of Boise, ID.

04.16.2019 07:12am

-LBM arrives in Boise, ID.

-BD asks all passengers to stay seated until he can get reboarding tickets for anyone continuing on the party bus.

-LL is upset and leaves the bus anyways (call the cops).

-OWV shares that he’s going on to Eugene, OR for his daughter’s wedding.

-LBM survives.

04.16.2019 07:15am

-LBM still needs to pee.