Contrary to my click-bait listing format, this isn’t a B*zzfeed article, so we can cut right through the shit and get to the point.
I love chicken sandos.
In fact, on a list of all-time things that I love, I’d say chicken sandos rank #3. Right behind puppies and… drinking (keeping this PG, the internet never forgets).
If you’re reading this article, it’s highly likely that one of the following scenarios is going to happen in the next 60-120 seconds:
- You love chicken sandos, mostly agree with this ranking, and you walk away feeling a little more at peace with the world and who you are as a sando-loving person.
- You love chicken sandos, completely disagree with this ranking, and you walk away prepared to throw down with more hatred than you’ve already shown your arteries.
- You don’t care either way about sandos, but you’re caught in a deep internet clicking spiral, and this is just one stop on the way to click-hole oblivion (X). You also really fucking hate the word “sando” but can’t deny that you are getting hungers thinking about it.
For those in camp 1 and 2, I’m going to tell you why I’m qualified to write this article:
Other evidence: I lived in Phoenix for 18 years and I’m a trash human without a sensitive palate or a solid sense of smell.
So, uh. Now that that’s out of the way – BUCKLE UP, MY DOUGHY POTATO BUN DARLINGS.
A Probably-Not-Definitive Ranking of Fast Food Chicken Sandwiches
Editor’s note: Research compiled between the years of 2005-2009 in Arizona mostly in a 2-door Dodge Neon that an elderly woman totaled on a Sunday morning while I was driving in a Hogwarts t-shirt and Old Navy puppy jammies.
8) Chick-Fil-A
It’s gonna be a no from me, dawg. No amount of pickle-brined bullshit can wash the taste of bigotry out of your mouth. Just go to Taco Bell instead.
7) Arby’s: Literally Any of Them
I don’t even know where to begin with this menagerie of fuckery, but Arby’s has some crazy science experiments going on with their chicken sando collection.
You really should just get a perfect roast beef sando at Arby’s, but if you’re high or feeling like you want to forget the world and its rules, this is the place for you.
Roast beef and chicken? Buffalo sauce that looks radioactive (worth it?)? A bun:chicken ratio that looks completely non-functional?
They’ve got it all.
6) Burger King: Original Chicken
This long bitch is a classic, but it’s still a relic of a 90’s era meat mush patty that is only acceptable in nugget form.
It also reminds me too much of the 4th grade when all the rich kids who could afford school lunches got to eat these big berthas on Wednesdays.
Tastes like Catholic school.
5) McDonald’s: Classic McChicken
A sadder, smaller version of the nugget-wich. But it’s usually on the Dollar Menu and it’s pretty dank, so I put it on this list for the people.
Things I’m into: Lettuce and mayo (and boy are they generous with the mayo).
4) McDonald’s: Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Sandwich
This beast has a LOT going on. Two animals cooked 3 ways and a sweet mustard to top it off? My intestines already hurt thinking about it.
Props for reaching for the stars. But hot damn does that “bacon onion sauce” look like room temperature El Paso salsa from Safeway.
3) McDonald’s: Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Sandwich
Baby got a makeover. See you later, added colors and non-white meat chicken. There’s a new bird in town, and she’s got an artisan roll now.
And tomatoes if you’re into that.
2) Jack in the Box: Jack’s Spicy Chicken
Now we’re talking. Ya girl loves a spicy chicken sando, and this one is an easy breazy, get it with cheesy option (I don’t fuck with cheese on my sandos, but the rhyme was too bad to pass up). You’re less likely to be filled with self-loathing after eating this, but if that stopped any of us, we wouldn’t be here now, would we?
Plus, if you’re at J in the B, you can get some grease-trap tacos on the side and really live the American dream.
1) Burger King: TENDERCRISP® Chicken Sandwich
Alright, I know what you’re thinking. “Isn’t that the chicken sandwich that everyone called disgusting all over social media, forcing Burger King to remove it, come up with a new recipe, and launch an entirely different sandwich?”
Yes.
But if I listened to who and what people told me to love, then I would have left my ex many years before our relationship turned toxic and blew up in everyone’s face.
So, I’ll go on continuing to love the memory of this majestic, discontinued, juicy queen of chicken sandos, with her perfect ratio of sauce to chicken to bun.
RIP, Tendercrisp. May you and the $1 Hot ‘N’ Spicy McChicken never be forgotten.
My thighs thank you.
Trash 