By: Tony

For the purposes of this article, I will be using a case study that I conducted myself. The subject’s name will be changed to (hopefully) prevent a lawsuit. I will break down the data and make it understandable to the layperson so that if you come across a situation like this, you will be able to react in the proper manner.

Be vigilant, the robots may already be among us.

I have a boss who exibits nonhuman behaviors, attitudes, or responses. I am concerned that they may actually be an entity that is not entirely human, but don’t know how to go about putting these suspicions to rest. I am concerned for myself and my coworkers, as I don’t know what type of threat our boss might pose to us.

If the above statement sounds like you, then we have a How-To that might help ease some of your concerns. Unfortunately, this article will only look at how to tell if they are a robot. This article’s scope is too limited to adequately help if the subject is three toddlers in a trechcoat, an alien/lizardperson, or some other mythological creature in disguise. There will be some overlap however, so read on.

Shane is an assistant manager that I have the burden of working under. The way he speaks, interacts with people, and the way he responds to stimuli in his environment have led me to wonder about his humanity. It is important to note at this point that we work at a fast food restaurant and I hate literally every second that I am there. I would like to say that I am there as a plant in order to start a union, or that it is for investigative journalism, but the truth is that I needed a (read: any) job.

Machine Precision

This basically means having a high level of regularity when faced with repetitive tasks. Exactly the same, every time. This would mean the exact same number of strokes while brushing teeth, along with the exact same cadence every time. This may look like OCD, and it is very similar. The main difference is that Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is not nearly as machine-perfect every time. The best way to notice this is they will follow the same rhythm, every time. Humans will vary from time to time, even if it is a task that they complete hundreds of times a day. A robot will execute a function exactly the same, every single time.

One of the tasks that must be done constantly is covering the fancy fries we serve in fancy flavor oils and seasonings. This is done by shaking the fries in a large metal mixing bowl. Shane does this with the exact same rhythm every time. Every fucking time. That same shk-sha-shk, shk-sha-shk. Every. Goddamn. Time. Nobody else does it, there is always some organic variation to the meaningless tasks that we go through constantly, but Shane does those tasks exactly the same every time.

Conclusion: Strong evidence of robotics

Cold And Emotionless

Robots do not exhibit emotions, so it is the easiest way to spot them. Robots have a difficult time faking human emotions, but they will often do so. They may have cold, dead eyes and stare a little too long. They may have inflection in the tone of their voice, but it is a little too regular. They might verbally state that they are having an emotional response, but not exhibit any outward signs. They may take a little too long to laugh at jokes, or laugh at the wrong time.

In the case of Shane, the inflection of his voice often sounds like it has been practiced thousands of times until it sounded just right. If he is not a robot, he has spent time staring at himself in the mirror, practicing. I can picture it every time he says “Hi. How-are-you-doing-today.” He says it the same with the same inflection, every time.

I have never seen him angry, but he does get very pouty. This means that he slumps his shoulders and then avoids all contact, usually shutting himself in his office until it is time to execute the Going Home subroutine. My coworkers tell me this is his response when he is mad about something. This is usually for very childish reasoning, like being left out of a joke, or someone not wanting him hovering around them. This disproportionate emotional response could very well be a robot overcompensating for their inability to properly exhibit human anger patterns.

When he smiles, you can almost hear the whir of the mechanisms that move his faceplate into what has been categorized as a “friendly smile.” Again, if Shane is not a robot, he has spent a lot of time practicing his “human” mannerisms.

Conclusion: Strong evidence of robotics

Limited Or Highly Predictable Dialogue Options

Robots have to limit the amount of computing that they do on normal conversations, especially ones that happen frequently. This leads to them using the exact same greeting every. Single. Time. This leads to them repeating the same little bits of information without being aware that they have maybe shared it with you multiple times. This makes them difficult to disrupt when they have started their Information Dump subroutine. They will be difficult to interrupt and might respond with confusion and stuttering when posed with quick subject changes.

Shane greets everybody with “Hi. How-are-you-doing-today.” This gives the sound of an early RPG when you press the action button on a random townsperson. He says this while taking orders in drive through. He says this when taking orders at the counter. He even says this when a coworker shows up and clocks in. “Hi. How-are-you-doing-today.” Like we don’t hear him say it the exact same every fucking time.

When taking an order, I once heard him verbally spar with an old man about cheeseburgers, and then about sizes of drinks.

Shane: “Hi. How-are-you-doing-today.”

Old Guy: “Hey I wanna cheeseburger.”

Shane: “ok, what kind?”

[like we literally don’t have people order cheeseburgers all the
goddamn time]

Old Guy: “uhhh, a cheeseburger…?”

Shane: “Yes, but what kind? We have a lot of different kinds of cheeseburgers.”

At this point, I took my headset off. I don’t need that kind of psychic damage.

I returned to the order in time for the end of it, where Old Guy tried to order a medium drink.

Shane: “We don’t have medium drinks, only regular and large.”

This is a great example of inflexible and limited dialogue options. Someone wanting something that is just outside the parameters of a robot’s dialogue tree will cause a breakdown almost immediately, as the robot struggles to understand.

Sometimes he says things that are oddly fitting or insightful, then I find myself wondering where I heard it before. The majority of the time, it is from a pop song from the late 90’s. The rest of the time, it is a direct quote from a movie. This could easily be a copy-paste function in order to mask conversational staleness.

Conclusion: Strong evidence of robotics

Summary and conclusion

I have decided that although Shane exhibits a high degree of similarities with an automaton, he is still probably human. Yes, he takes painfully long to complete simple tasks, akin to a computer running in debug mode. Yes, he has strict, almost comical adherence to rules/structures. Yes, he has dead, lifeless, staring eyes and the soulless voice of a machine. Under all of that though, I can sometimes see the humanity peek out. It shows up when he creeps on the high school girls that work with us. If peeks out in his inability to write a competent or consistent schedule. It shows up in the weird grudges he holds with people. People who call him out for being a shitty boss, people who call him out for being a shitty person. No I don’t think he’s a robot posing as a human; I think he is a human posing as a robot, posing as a human. This is a defense mechanism to blend in when the robots finally take over.

If you have to work with a person like this, I highly recommend handling them with care. Keep your distance and don’t push them too hard. Speak out against them, but understand that they will definitely retaliate in the most asinine, petty ways. I think that in a lot of ways, having a robot overlord would be a better alternative, because at least then we wouldn’t have to deal with people like Shane.